About 10 months ago (about 2 weeks after Christmas) my then partner of nearly 7 1/2 years told me he wanted us to have a break from each other, with no contact for 2 weeks and limited contact for the following 2 months, to give him time and space to recover from at least some of the stress of the previous year. 2 weeks later he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore. Three months later he was with someone else. He wanted to stay friends, but too much had changed for me and I said goodbye to him soon after.
A few weeks after the breakup, my dad was diagnosed with mesothelioma, an incurable form of lung cancer caused by asbestos exposure. He worked in the building industry for over 40 years, so he was a prime target. A couple of weeks ago, six months after the initial diagnosis, tests showed that the cancer had spread and he would need to start chemotherapy, which he did last week. If it works, he will probably have another 12-18 months to live; if it doesn’t work, he will probably have 3-6 months to live.
I stopped going to church regularly not long after I started seeing my now ex, because of dillusionment and loneliness mainly. I drifted away from God, even though I never stopped believing in him. After my breakup, when I was free of the influence of my ex, who claimed to be Christian but was even more disillusioned by the church, I decided I’d like to at least try to find somewhere I would feel I belonged and maybe even reconnect to God and other Christians. I tried a church pastored by an old uni “friend” – I use the term more loosely these days, since I can see now it was mostly one-sided – where I just came across the same old, same old. Too much church talk, not enough “real” talk for my liking. When I heard about my dad’s prognosis, I decided to go to his church, if for no other reason than as an opportunity to spend more time with him, since he lives on the other side of town and I don’t see him that often. I was pleasantly surprised to find I actually liked it there – the family feel, the kids being a part of it all, the kindness of the pastor. I think I might have found at least one place where I feel like I belong, at least for now.
Where I’m at right now: rediscovering and in a lot of ways relearning what it means for me to have a relationship with God, rediscovering the meaning of grace, connecting on a deeper level with my dad and making the most of the time we have together, working out what I really want in a partner especially in God terms and where to look for the person who fits it better than even I could imagine, learning to be more patient – with myself and with the guys I meet in my search.
So, this is where I start my journey – sharing my thoughts, experiences, readings, joys, sadnesses, grief and love. Thank you for being a part of it with me.
