update on my dad

My dad had his second chemo treatment on Monday.  I was able to take a day off work to be with him in the hospital and it all seemed to go well.  Since he started the treatment 3 weeks ago he hasn’t had any major side effects, just some tiredness and weakness.  He seems to be in good spirits overall, which is good for both him and the rest of the family.  He will have another scan in a couple of weeks to see if the treatment is working, so then we will have a better idea of his prognosis.  We’re all hoping for the best.

chatting online

I have had a few attempts at internet dating over the last 6-7 months and found myself getting so anxious and frustrated with the whole process that I gave up each time after only a few days.  After talking it over with a few people, I decided to give it one more try, accepting that I will probably have to meet a lot of people to find the ones that might be suitable and that I would probably need to be a bit more patient with these people that don’t know me or what I’ve been through to get to this point. 

So I posted a profile and went searching and found a couple of people I wouldn’t mind chatting to.  The first contact request I sent was accepted and we had our first chat on Thursday night.  Keep in mind it’s been over 8 years since I’ve done this, so I’m still getting the hang of finding things to say and talk about.  But I must have done okay, because it lasted about an hour and he was willing to chat to me again on Saturday night.  This time it lasted nearly two and a half hours and we got on to things that were quite personal for both of us.  I was in tears at one point, I think because I felt so overwhelmed at being able to connect with someone again after so long. 

Since then I have found it hard to think about much else other than our conversation and what he is like in real life and when I will get to chat to him again.  I’m doing that girl thing of over-analysing things that were said and worrying about him not wanting to chat to me again, even though he said he was looking forward to chatting again.

It’s a challenge for me not to think too far ahead or try to imagine what might happen next and just stay in the moment.  I have a history of jumping in too quickly and then regretting it afterwards, so I’m trying hard not to do that again, but old habits die hard, especially when you think you might have found what you’re looking for.  I’m learning to just take it one day at a time.

what i’ve learned so far – about relationships

* It is better to be healthy alone than unhealthy with someone else

* Don’t settle for less than what you really want and need

* Stay in the present moment – let go of the past, don’t worry about the future

* The right one for you will love you just as you are

* Be yourself

where to find “the one”

I have had a few attempts at internet dating in the past few months.  I did find a few people that I would have liked to get to know, but I couldn’t stand waiting for them to reply and spent a lot of time worrying about whether something I wrote put them off.  I became obsessed with checking for messages multiple times a day, so that my life and peace of mind revolved around these people I had never even met.  It made me crazy.  I became so stressed by the whole thing that I had to pull my profile down, several times.  I just don’t think it’s for me.

So now I have to think of other places I might meet someone who is likely to be the kind of person I want to be with and where that someone is likely to be looking for someone like me too.  Or where someone he is related to/friends with is likely to be so I can meet them and then meet him.  It’s all about being in the right place at the right time, right?

The search begins…

the story so far…

About 10 months ago (about 2 weeks after Christmas) my then partner of nearly 7 1/2 years told me he wanted us to have a break from each other, with no contact for 2 weeks and limited contact for the following 2 months, to give him time and space to recover from at least some of the stress of the previous year.  2 weeks later he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore.  Three months later he was with someone else.  He wanted to stay friends, but too much had changed for me and I said goodbye to him soon after.

A few weeks after the breakup, my dad was diagnosed with mesothelioma, an incurable form of lung cancer caused by asbestos exposure.  He worked in the building industry for over 40 years, so he was a prime target.  A couple of weeks ago, six months after the initial diagnosis, tests showed that the cancer had spread and he would need to start chemotherapy, which he did last week.  If it works, he will probably have another 12-18 months to live; if it doesn’t work, he will probably have 3-6 months to live.

I stopped going to church regularly not long after I started seeing my now ex, because of dillusionment and loneliness mainly.  I drifted away from God, even though I never stopped believing in him.  After my breakup, when I was free of the influence of my ex, who claimed to be Christian but was even more disillusioned by the church, I decided I’d like to at least try to find somewhere I would feel I belonged and maybe even reconnect to God and other Christians.  I tried a church pastored by an old uni “friend” – I use the term more loosely these days, since I can see now it was mostly one-sided – where I just came across the same old, same old.  Too much church talk, not enough “real” talk for my liking.  When I heard about my dad’s prognosis, I decided to go to his church, if for no other reason than as an opportunity to spend more time with him, since he lives on the other side of town and I don’t see him that often.  I was pleasantly surprised to find I actually liked it there – the family feel, the kids being a part of it all, the kindness of the pastor.  I think I might have found at least one place where I feel like I belong, at least for now.

Where I’m at right now: rediscovering and in a lot of ways relearning what it means for me to have a relationship with God, rediscovering the meaning of grace, connecting on a deeper level with my dad and making the most of the time we have together, working out what I really want in a partner especially in God terms and where to look for the person who fits it better than even I could imagine, learning to be more patient – with myself and with the guys I meet in my search.

So, this is where I start my journey – sharing my thoughts, experiences, readings, joys, sadnesses, grief and love.  Thank you for being a part of it with me.